My Truth

I’m not okay!

I’m struggling; to wake up in the morning.

I’m struggling; to keep portraying my chosen character.

I’m struggling; to find hope amidst all the chaos.

I’m struggling; to believe that I matter.

I’m struggling; to continue living my life.

I’m struggling; to breathe.

I want to give up.

————————————————-

2017 has been an awakening of sorts.

These past few months have been equal parts discovery, epiphany and acceptance.

It’s also been an onslaught of failures.

I feel like I’ve constantly had my back against the wall.

I take two steps forward, only to go three steps back.

This feels like an endless cycle.

I’m hurt. I’m upset. I’m disappointed.

I have failed myself; yet again.

————————————————-

There are days, like today, when I’m ready to throw the towel in.

I look at myself in the mirror and say, ‘Why are you here? Do you even make a difference? Wouldn’t it be better if you just didn’t exist? Just go away!’

I keep lashing out at myself; almost willing an exit.

I calm down eventually.

The calm is always fleeting; as is happiness.

The one constant in my life is anxiety.

This horrible beast keeps haunting me at least twice a week.

I’ve had two anxiety attacks this week.

They left me physically exhausted and mentally drained.

The first anxiety attack almost gave me a heart attack.

I’d lost control of my body.

My hands were shaking, I couldn’t hold anything. I could barely move.

I cried. I broke down. I phoned a friend.

My body kept fighting me.

Somehow, I managed to get up.

I picked up my eight-year-old stuffed rabbit ‘Bugsy.’

I held ‘Bugsy’ tightly to myself.

Several minutes passed.

The shaking stopped.

My heart beat slowed down.

The tingling sensation stopped.

Cookie called.

I calmed down.

It was over.

I survived; barely.

————————————————-

Today, chaos struck again.

There was plenty of shouting.

A lot of profanities were thrown around.

A hand was raised. I retaliated.

My voice boomed over the entire neighbourhood.

I fought till he backed down; not entirely though.

I stormed up to my room.

I broke down.

————————————————-

I’m exhausted.

I want to give up.

I let go.

The darkness shrouds over me.

It’s dark, quiet, ethereal.

Suddenly, I gasp.

I rise for air.

I cough fervently.

I see tiny rays of light.

I hear cookie’s voice; it’s soothing.

The darkness begins to retreat.

I feel warm.

I can breathe again.

Breathe in. Breathe out. (Repeat 10x)

I wipe my eyes.

They sting.

It’s over.

I survived.

But, I’m not okay.

And that’s fine.

Sometimes, pain is a good thing.

————————————————-

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