I’m not okay!
I’m struggling; to wake up in the morning.
I’m struggling; to keep portraying my chosen character.
I’m struggling; to find hope amidst all the chaos.
I’m struggling; to believe that I matter.
I’m struggling; to continue living my life.
I’m struggling; to breathe.
I want to give up.
2017 has been an awakening of sorts.
These past few months have been equal parts discovery, epiphany and acceptance.
It’s also been an onslaught of failures.
I feel like I’ve constantly had my back against the wall.
I take two steps forward, only to go three steps back.
This feels like an endless cycle.
I’m hurt. I’m upset. I’m disappointed.
I have failed myself; yet again.
There are days, like today, when I’m ready to throw the towel in.
I look at myself in the mirror and say, ‘Why are you here? Do you even make a difference? Wouldn’t it be better if you just didn’t exist? Just go away!’
I keep lashing out at myself; almost willing an exit.
I calm down eventually.
The calm is always fleeting; as is happiness.
The one constant in my life is anxiety.
This horrible beast keeps haunting me at least twice a week.
I’ve had two anxiety attacks this week.
They left me physically exhausted and mentally drained.
The first anxiety attack almost gave me a heart attack.
I’d lost control of my body.
My hands were shaking, I couldn’t hold anything. I could barely move.
I cried. I broke down. I phoned a friend.
My body kept fighting me.
Somehow, I managed to get up.
I picked up my eight-year-old stuffed rabbit ‘Bugsy.’
I held ‘Bugsy’ tightly to myself.
Several minutes passed.
The shaking stopped.
My heart beat slowed down.
The tingling sensation stopped.
I calmed down.
It was over.
I survived; barely.
Today, chaos struck again.
There was plenty of shouting.
A lot of profanities were thrown around.
A hand was raised. I retaliated.
My voice boomed over the entire neighbourhood.
I fought till he backed down; not entirely though.
I stormed up to my room.
I broke down.
I want to give up.
I let go.
The darkness shrouds over me.
It’s dark, quiet, ethereal.
Suddenly, I gasp.
I rise for air.
I cough fervently.
I see tiny rays of light.
I hear cookie’s voice; it’s soothing.
The darkness begins to retreat.
I feel warm.
I can breathe again.
Breathe in. Breathe out. (Repeat 10x)
I wipe my eyes.
But, I’m not okay.
And that’s fine.
Sometimes, pain is a good thing.