She was like a drowning person, flailing, reaching for anything that might save her. Her life was an urgent, desperate struggle to justify her life. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer
I fight a long and tiring battle everyday. It is exhausting. It leaves me physically ill. It makes me feel weak.
By the end of it I am left vulnerable and exposed.
Sometimes, I just want to blank everything out. Other times, I want to grab an eraser and wipe away this existence. During those rare moments of utter defeat, I just want to be invisible.
I’ve been consistently struggling to keep my mind in check for the last two and a half years. Frequent anxiety attacks, panic attacks and waves of depression keep taunting me non-stop.
There are days when I’m amazed at the fact that I’m still here. I can’t fathom how I’m still breathing, still fighting, still alive.
It’s hard. It’s beyond difficult to keep finding reasons to survive. My mind is hell bent on destroying me. It reenacts past traumas, hurtful memories, images of being abandoned by those I love. It’s a constant struggle with a few numb moments interspersed in between.
I have been miserable these past two weeks. A horrific panic attack last Sunday made it worse. A ‘follow’ here on WordPress triggered it. It made me feel trapped. I felt like I was doomed to shroud my feelings with cobwebs. I felt like I could no longer share what I wished to share here, with this community that I’m beginning to cherish.
I almost lost my fight that day.
I was in tears, to the point of choking. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to break everything beside me. I was scared, lost, helpless, dying until my friend finally answered the phone. That phone call probably saved my life. Thank you V.
Fighting your mind daily isn’t an easy battle, but it’s necessary. I don’t fight because I believe things will get better. Infact I believe things might just get worse.
I fight because there’s one person who tells me everyday that I’m important.
I fight because he insists I’m worth it.
I fight because his belief in me and his unconditional love for me is all I need to hold on.
I fight because after 24 years, someone is giving me a reason to fight.
I fight because of you cookie.
And that’s what I will continue to do.
I’ll fight everytime my mind tells me that there’s no hope left.
I’ll fight everytime I feel my existence doesn’t matter.
I’ll fight everytime my mind sings ‘die’ like a lullaby.
I’ll fight every single time, because I matter.
I’ll keep fighting. Always!