Seeking Clarity Amidst Chaos

It’s been six months since I quit my job and returned home. So far, it’s been an up and down ride.

On the positive front, I’m healthy and mostly free of illness, I’ve lost 10 kg since June, my bestie & I have become super close and I finally started this blog.

On the negative front, there were a lot of fights at home, depression struck again and my dad & I no longer speak to each other.

It has definitely been an interesting ride.

Why am I writing this post now? I’m feeling anxious and afraid.

As you guys know, I’m currently amidst a job hunt. Things have not been looking too bright on that front. In fact, I’ve received a couple of rejections. 

Additionally, some opportunities didn’t work out right before fruition. All of this is making me feel unsure of myself. I’ve also been pondering over where I might have gone wrong.

It’s highly possible that things could improve overnight or within a few weeks. Maybe, I just have to be a bit more patient. You could even say that my time hasn’t arrived yet.

Well, the fact of the matter is, I don’t know.

I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if I’m making mistakes. I’m guessing the demonetisation drive could be a crucial factor. Maybe, not many companies are hiring at the moment.

All I know is, there isn’t any clarity and that scares me.

I’m one of those individuals who tend to over-analyse things a lot. I’m always in search of rationality. I always want things to be black or white, but as we all know, life is mostly filled with grey areas.

Right now, I’m just scared.

Since I started working nearly three years ago, I’ve never taken a break. I’m so used to working all the time that this whole situation seems unnatural to me.

I’m also not too kind to myself. I’m currently beating myself up over this process. I constantly berate myself for procrastinating, not doing enough, not trying more. I really should be kinder to myself.

I know that I’m going through a phase. The rational part of my mind says, ‘Be patient! You will find a job.’ The irrational side though is screaming bloody murder and creating unnecessary wars in my head. I’m just praying that the rational side wins.

All of us live in a busy, chaotic world. There’s so much negativity around us. People get hurt. You can’t always fix things. You don’t always get what you want.

However, one thing you can do is ‘Try.’

Try to stay positive.

Try to lend a helping hand.

Try to be there for someone.

Try to be kind.

Try – that’s the keyword.

Funny enough, that’s what I’ve been doing all these days.

I’ve been trying to get better. I’ve been trying to exercise more. I’ve been trying to stay positive. I’ve been trying to write more. I’ve been trying to find a job. I’ve just been trying to no end.

I guess that’s all we can do. Try & try & try until we find what we are searching for.

So keep trying!

Who knows?

You might just find what you’re looking for amidst the clutter of chaos.

We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes, we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes, we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes, we find our own way out. But regardless, we are always found. ~ Cecilia Ahern

4 thoughts on “Seeking Clarity Amidst Chaos

  1. I totally understand what you mean, I’m also in a difficult phase. I have a job but my health doesn’t allow me to work as much as I used too and my productivity is at its lowest point which makes me blame myself which makes me feel worse. Does that help with anything? NO! Nothing. I’m just being mean to myself over something that isn’t my fault. Same goes for you dear. You WILL find a job. Just be kind to yourself, no matter what happens. You deserve that. You need to be your best friend. As for trying, of course we are going to keep trying… life is about trying. Good luck with your job hunt!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Coming out of college I’ve seen a lot of friends fretting over being unemployed and lost during a job hunt. When one is looking long enough and not getting the answer, it’s easy to incline towards the extreme and feel like you have no “market value”. But I think a lot of luck is involved in job hunt–even if you meet the requirements, you have to stumble upon it at the right time, that’s why it can take time and consistent effort. Try not to feel discouraged!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rukmani Krishna says:

      I’m doing my best to stay positive, but I end up feeling discouraged when things just keep going wrong 4 out of 5 times. Let’s see what happens. I’m hoping luck shines my way a little.


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