The Unfinished Story

My name is Rukmani and I’m 24 years old. I didn’t think I’d make it this far. 

The past 8 years of my life have been a roller coaster ride. 

I’ve laughed, cried, persevered, fought and lost hope. I even considered ending my life. 

For the longest time, I believed that I had nothing to offer this world. I was convinced that my existence was meaningless. 

For over a decade, someone close to me consistently told me, ‘You are good for nothing.’ 

These words kept echoing in my mind. A few months later I believed him. I told myself that he was right; I was good for nothing. 

I told the girl in the mirror that she wasn’t worth it. 

Life has never been the same since then. 

Every step of the way I’ve felt unwanted, a pariah, a reject.

My friends tell me I’m talented, I don’t believe them. 

They tell me I’m beautiful, I don’t believe them. 

They tell me I’m worth it and I break down; I still don’t believe them.

My insecurities continued to grow bigger and bigger with each passing day. 

One fine day, anxiety and depression entered my life. I felt helpless. 

I was scared. I didn’t want to hurt myself. I didn’t know what to do. 

I felt lost. 

Today, I’m used to this. 

Huge waves of depression crash over me when I least expect it. 

I have panic attacks atleast once a month.

I curl up into a ball of self hatred everytime a wave of sadness or anger hits me.  

I learned to hate myself. It was extremely easy to blame myself for everything. 

I found comfort and some twisted healing in projecting myself as the bad guy. 

Everytime I had a panic attack I told myself the exact same thing – I’m not good enough. 

I’m not a good friend. I’m not a good daughter. I’m not a good sister. I’m not a good person. I’m not good enough. 

The monster in my head ensured I felt unwanted. It closed in on me. It made me gasp for air. It made my heart pound. It made up unlikely scenarios in my head. 

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t get up. I didn’t want to live. I wanted it to end. 

I fell on the floor. I held myself tight as a waterfall of tears gushed out. 

I felt broken. My carefully crafted world was broken. 

I continued to cry. 

I mourned the loss of myself, over and over again. 

I picked up the phone to call my friends. I stopped just before I pressed the call button. 

What if they were busy? What if they got annoyed? I didn’t want to involve them in my drama. I didn’t want to burden them. 

I kept my phone aside. 

The tears were overflowing. 

I tried breathing exercises. I listened to music. I started exercising. I told myself it’ll be ok. I read my favourite quotes. I tried everything possible. 

Nothing worked. I gave up. 

You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

After an eternity, the tears stopped. 

My heart rate went back to normal. I could breathe again. 

I got up, went to the washroom and splashed water on my face. 

I saw my reflection in the mirror. 

I stared at her. 

Her eyes were red, her nose was runny and her face was damp. 

I whispered, ‘You will survive. You are ok.’

I continued to breathe, in and out, in and out, over and over again, until I felt whole. 

I survived. 

8 thoughts on “The Unfinished Story

  1. I’ve gone through struggles before too. You aren’t alone at all. So many people feel like they’re alone and sometimes that makes everything wore. You’re a very talented writer and the world needs somebody like you. Don’t ever give up. I love reading your posts!

    Liked by 1 person

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